Criswell Predicts: North Carolina

First in a series of selected future visions from legendary psychic Criswell, star of several Ed Wood Jr. movies (as taken from his 1968 book of predictions).

North Carolina

I predict that North Carolina will face economic growth in the 1970s with the development of artifical tobacco that is completely harmless. This will be developed in North Carolina. But that state will, while enjoying economic growth, be subjected to racial violence and natural disasters. Many towns, large and small, will be the scenes of violence in 1969 and 1970. And the shifting coastline of the 1980s will destroy many coastal towns.

Christmas Memories from the 1970's

Sleepless nights and early mornings. Hideous orange and red shag carpeting. A haze of cigarette smoke from my father. Santa's inability to assemble both of my bicycles correctly (in a span of six years apart, his mechanical skills never improved). Plaid furniture – plaid pants. My baby sister when she truly was my “baby” sister. Odd visits from unnamed and unseen relatives (except in December).

*****

Side note - best non-Santa gift ever? The Mego Mobile Bat-Lab from my Uncle Carl. Half-watching the Christmas Day Parade on television while playing in the living room floor. Fifty dollars worth of yearly Santa swag made flesh by way of the Sears Wish Book and our sole retail credit card.

*****

Posed photographs in which my parents become smaller in stature and height, while my sister and I both sadly, inexorably, outgrow the magic of Christmas.

Five A.M. Observations About Oz

So, if water melts a Wicked Witch, how does she take a bath?

I know from Frank Zappa that ships (as a rule) arrive too late to save drowning witches, but it matters not if they dissolve when placed in water. Salt water must really do a number on a witch's skin. All that remains is the pointy hat, and that alone is hardly worthy of rescue.

Or does she even bathe? And if not, is that why her skin is green?

Or was she belted by gamma rays?

Or does she just reek to high heaven?

And ... could you even smell her in a castle filled with flying monkeys? After all, only the Great and Powerful Oz himself knows where the turrets and castle corners are that might contain fistfuls of flung simian poo.

Margaret Hamilton, our lonely nation turns its eyes to you.

400?!

According to WXII TV 12, as well as Johnny Shelton, head of the local EMS, in the last 24 hours of torrential snowfall, there have been over FOUR HUNDRED ACCIDENTS in Surry County, NC!

Surely this must be some sort of collision record in these here parts (clumsy grammar added on purpose).

Now, I'm all for getting out of the house when cabin fever descends like a wet parachute over the inside of the living room, but even coma victims knew to play as inanimate objects and stay put last night.

Over 400 accidents (shakes head). Well, I suppose the body shops can use the extra business as we quickly rustle though the last weeks of the holiday season.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Tow Truck Man!

Kung Fu Requiem

Ashley Holt not only crafted the wonderful tribute artwork above, but writes about the death of David Carradine in a note perfect mix of childhood nostalgia, social commentary, and wry observation.

Who Knew Conan O'Brien Was In Such Great Shape?

Perhaps I'm easily amused, but I think this cross-country opening of Conan's taking over the command chair at NBC's The Tonight Show is nothing short of brilliant. The monologue that followed ... er, not so much, but I've never thought of him as a "joke teller" so much as a humorous conceptualist anyway. I've read reviews that griped about the numerous sketches during this first week of shows, but the critics seem to be missing the point. Of course the show is going to have a different feel with a new host, and like or loathe Leno, his filmed pieces usually fell flat (or celebrated the woeful ignorance of the American public). Even if Conan stumbles from time to time, credit his writing and production staff with being as experimental as possible in a new time slot with a potentially new (and larger) audience.

TV GUIDE: July 2, 1977

Borrowing (stealing) a page from Al Bigley's recent TV GUIDE-oriented blog posts, I dug out a vintage issue I had in the stack o' reading material for review. Nothing particularly special about this issue, at least on the surface - and what a ghastly surface to behold! Enjoy the awkward, yet strangely fascinating cover shown above featuring the stars of Alice! I picked it up at the flea market along with a handful of other issues for twenty-five cents a pop (not a bad price for instant nostalgia).

Here's three quick tidbits from inside this issue:

"Gaining nary a gray hair in the process, Wonder Woman will leap forward from World War II to 1977 merely by entering a disco time machine and ... sorry ... merely by switching the series from ABC to CBS next season. LYNDA CARTER as Wonder Woman will still assist an intelligence agent played by LYLE WAGGONER, but how does he stay young? Simple. He's now the son of the man Wonder Woman worked for 30 years ago."

First thought: Ewww. Second thought: This is the season where a so-called "cute" robot named Ira (?) was added to the cast. Final though: Shades of the Captain America/Peggy Carter/Sharon Carter love triangle, and if you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, you're probably reading the wrong blog ....

"New Version of Star Trek is On Launching Pad. Paramount Pictures is planning to produce 22 episodes of an all-new Star Trek to begin appearing in April 1978. It is part of an effort to create one night a week of prime-time programs on a proposed "fourth network' of independent and network-affiliated stations. Paramount has signed Gene Roddenberry, the original producer, to put together the new show at a cost of $400,000 an episode. Will Trekkie heroes from the original series be back? That hasn't been decided yet."

In other words, Shatner's in - he's tired of doing dinner theatre, but Nimoy's trying to get a piece of the action from the Trek-licensing machine at this particular junction of his career.

And lastly ...

"Paul Michael Glaser has returned to his role as Starsky in ABC's Starsky and Hutch. A lawsuit was in progress and two days of testimony had been taken when an agreement was reached between Glaser and the producers. In the settlement, the actor, who made $10,000 an episode last year and was to earn $12,500 for 1977-78, will get a raise and some directing assignments. His new salary is said to be $25,000 per show."

Shh! Settle down Glaser - do you want to give Nimoy ideas?

Seriously, do you?

Jaw-droppingly awful cover artwork copied from the good folks at http://www.coverbrowser.com/ ... lots of great magazine artwork (not including this example) to be found here!